I go back and forth between rage and overwhelming delight. I remember (very vividly) those hours. I can picture flashes of them. I remember so many specifics and when I think on them, I am overcome by pain and joy. I remember trying to be strong for my sister. I remember holding my own daughter, 9 months at the time, and wondering why mine was healthy and hers was not. I remember looking at Lily's toes; exactly like her mama's. That second toe that sticks out longer than the first which many say is a sign of stubbornness. It most definitely is. Strength, rather.
And I remember taking turns holding her sweet little body, knowing it would be our last time this side of heaven. THIS SIDE. I know that I know that I know - Heaven.
To some heaven is a dream. To some the thought of heaven "helps people sleep at night." No, heaven helps me LIVE. Heaven is my HOPE. Not some hope like "oh just maybe someday I'll go." I know and me going isn't the part I'm hoping for. I know from that spring in my heart that overflows. I know heaven because I saw it in that baby's eyes. Alive. Fully alive. I know heaven because I know earth and this isn't it. SWEET JESUS, THANK YOU that THIS is NOT it. Because this is hard. And this is fleeting. And this is shallow. And this is lacking. But not Lily. Lily is not lacking a damn thing and because of her completion in Christ in passing to heaven, she is not a list of anomalies nor is she defined by some genetic disorder. There is nothing lacking about her. And for that, I am grateful.
I am grateful that I carry her in me. I am grateful that she is part of our great cloud of witnesses and that while I am flailing about on this earth, she has been perfected. She is steady. I am grateful that I see her in the beautiful things about this life - like little winks from her. I am grateful that she is interceding on her mother's behalf. Her song. I am grateful that she is delight when I still fumble through a world with so much darkness.
I have this tattoo that I got years before she came. Isaiah 40:8 - "The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the Word of the Lord remains forever." I am grateful that Lily is my constant reminder of that promise. This life is so quick - like the blink of an eye, but then - ETERNITY.
Ester asked me a lot about heaven. We talk about Lily being there and I remember when Ester would ask me when we could go visit. If it was further away than Texas. Yes, much further and yet much closer. She has finally figured out that we can't drive there but now asks me how high in the sky it is.
Today we celebrated Lily. Ester was so excited. When I picked her up from school she remembered that we were going to celebrate and told every single person as we left the building: "Today is my cousin, Lily's, birthday! She is finally 4 like me, until I turn 5, and we are going to dinner!" Lucy was clueless.
Ester wanted to wear pink today because she thought Lily would like it. I wore pink, too. Lucy didn't want to. (Her second toe sticks out a little further than her first as well)
We went to Panera because they have Ester-friendly cookies. Then we went to buy balloons. What kind did Ester pick out? Flower-shaped balloons. We filled them with helium and we came home to write Lily a note to send with them. We released them to heaven. I was so grateful for the early night sky so Ester didn't see the streams of tears down my face. I didn't want her to be concerned with me; her face was beaming. I didn't want to distract from that joy. She was so proud. We watched them float away until we couldn't see them any longer.
As we walked inside Ester asked me if I thought Lily would like her present. Of course! She asked me if Lily would write her back. I said I didn't think so but I bet she would send a hug. She said, "Yeah, she'll be the first to hug me when I get to heaven."
