My Dearest Ester and Lucy,
My greatest joy and privilege is being chosen by God to be your mother. I love you more than I could ever even try to express. This being said, I would be remiss to not admit that along with that joy comes a great deal of angst and worry. These are my issues. I own them. I am self aware enough to know that many of these expose my lack of trust and my tendency to lean into fear, however, they are there and so I will not avoid sharing them with you. I do it here because you are currently too young to hear it so I'll save them for when you are bigger. I share them here in case anyone else can relate or, Lord willing, you become a mother someday and can relate... this way you will know that you are not crazy. That, or you will know that you inherited that craziness from your mother - whichever perspective you choose is fine by me. And mostly, I share them here because I am morbid and think what if I die before I get a chance to tell you? The internet will store them. Unless the internet gets so powerful that it someday explodes and we are all gone... just kidding... did I mention I am crazy and morbid? ;)
CONFESSIONS TO MY DAUGHTERS (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):
1. I'm making this shit up as I go. Yes, this list, but also how I parent you. I am wingin' it. Some things are thought out and very intentional like reading with you and trying to teach you about kindness and character, but most of it is on the fly.
2. I am scared that I will unintentionally ruin your self esteem. In more ways than one. I am scared I won't teach you well enough that you are loved. Or strong. Or capable. Or beautiful. Or a number of things that YOU TRULY ARE. That I won't say it enough or not know how to speak it in the language that you best receive.
3. I am worried that I won't teach you well enough how to be kind. I KNOW that you will roll your eyes someday and giggle with your sister about HOW MUCH I asked from the other room, "Are you being kind?" or asked you if you were KIND at school, KIND at church, KIND to the kid who wasn't KIND to you... I just really don't want you to be an asshole. The world has so many of those and I hope to God you aren't one of them. Because if you turn out to be, I will not hesitate to tell you.
4. I care more about being your mother than being your friend. I know that this will cause you to probably not like me sometimes... or lots of times. But I am okay with that reality. Because I care more about teaching you and guiding you and being honest with you than whether or not you like me or even want to be around me. It's true now and it'll be true when you are a teenager. I hope we are friends when you are an adult (and if it's before that then I will see that as a bonus), however, it is not my goal.
5. I make mistakes. A lot of them. One of which was making this #5 and not #1 on my confession list. But as much as I am able I will admit them to you. I am not perfect and I do not expect you to be perfect. As much as I require you to ask for forgiveness when needed, I will also ask FOR your forgiveness. We can't move passed things if we do not acknowledge them. We can't grow together if we ignore how we have wronged one another. Things are rarely one-sided. I hope you are able to bring it to my attention when I hurt you. I will always try to be open minded and listen to you and will ask that you do the same. That's why we practice it now daily when you and sister are having a disagreement.
6. I am afraid you won't like your sister. I love my sisters AND I like them. They are treasures. They share something with me that no one else could ever begin to: our childhood... and our crazy-cray family. I know plenty of people who don't like their siblings. Don't get me wrong, your aunts and I drive each other nuts sometimes and even as adults I bet that's still true... but, I hope that the two of you are best friends. That you can trust one another and always take care of each other. You both are SO different. I love it about you. I celebrate it about you. I do my best not to compare you to each other because you were not created to be compared. I hope you will see each other with that freedom - to allow each other to be different. We are all always changing and evolving anyhow.
7. I am worried that I will cause you to worry. I know I'm a paranoid person. I know that all of that paranoia isn't innate. I learned much of it. And much to your dismay, it has served me well. I've always been a "worse case scenario" kind of girl. Didn't do drugs because I was just sure I would get caught or die the first time I tried. Didn't have sex because I was just sure I'd get pregnant or an STD or die... I don't know how I'd die but I told you I'm morbid!!! I am always looking when I walk to my car for someone to jump out and grab me! I keep my keys in stab position. I confess I will likely teach you my paranoid ways. We can have an open discussion of both the root of those worries AND how insane they are. I'm good with it.
8. Patience is hard work for me. Your daddy says I don't give myself enough credit in this department, however, he can't hear all the noise in my head. It is a daily struggle for me to respond in a calm and collected manner when I have asked you for the umpteenth time to do something and you ignore me. So when I am asking you to use a calm and polite tone when you ask me for/tell me something instead of panicking and screaming, know that I can relate to the panicking and screaming because many times that is what is going on in my own brain.
9. Sometimes I need alone time. I probably don't admit this as much as I should. But I REALLY need alone time. This isn't because there is anything wrong with either of you or daddy. I am just wired this way. People drain me. Even my FAVORITE people drain me. So sometimes I just need to be alone so that I can recharge and have the energy and ability to stay sane. This is why we have safe places in the house where you can have alone time too! But having "alone time" is very different than running away. We do not run away when there is conflict. We face them and work together towards resolution. But I digress... that's another post.
10. My brain is all over the place. Just like this list: Part confessions, part lessons, part hopes, part fears... my brain is just as jumbled. Your momma is a "hot-mess". So when you are a hot mess, I feel you! We are complex beings FULL to the brim of feelings and thoughts. When I see your little minds ticking or when you are bawling your eyes out, I see myself. I hope you don't ever feel like you are "too much" of anything. I won't hide my mess from you so that you don't feel you have to hide from me. You never have to hide. I love you - ALL of you.
Well, my sweet girls, your show is almost over so I better end this so we can go to the park. I will end by telling you AGAIN that I LOVE YOU and by admitting one more thing:
11. I don't want to go to the park. I'd rather sit on my bum. But I'll go anyway because much of life is about doing what you should even when you don't want to. And as I said, it is my joy to do so for you.
