With Mother's Day this weekend, I've been thinking a lot about the women in my life and all the women who are impacting and will impact my daughters. The truth is, whether you have children or not, you are part of motherhood. Young girls are looking to you (maybe even my own) about what it means to be a woman. You are mothering them.
I have had so many beautiful woman speak into me. It makes me want to do the same. It makes me see the calling and NEED to be connected in that way.
I'm richly blessed. So, I want to take a moment to openly thank many of you. (In order of appearance)
To my own mother - you are brave. You are the bravest woman I know. You saw opportunity in a foreign land (literally) and seized it. Because of your bravery, I am. Because you took a chance - A CRAZY CHANCE - I exist. My sisters and my daughters and who we all are and are becoming are due to your bravery. You broke out and made a way for us. You teach me bravery. Te amo a la luna y de vuelta.
To my "little" sisters - Ally and Robin - You made me want to grow to be beautiful. Not in appearance, but in my spirit. I wanted to take what was given to us and multiply it. Thank you for letting me practice my mama skills on you. My daughters will be better for it. My parenting is better for it. You two are the only ones who walked through all of it with me and by blood, will always have to.
It's amazing to me how 3 very different women can come from the same place. But I think that show's God's unique design. I will always want to tell you what to do, but thank you for loving me anyway. Thank you for choosing to believe my heart for you is love.
To my Carino - my sweet chosen grandma next door. Much of who I know God to be is because of you. You took the time to take in the neighbor girl next door and called her family. You have shared with me God's unconditional love and from you I have learned how to love others - not just the family you are born into, but those outside of those lines. You have shown me how to reach out to the community around me and pour into it. Thank you for being a safe place for me. Thank you for teaching me compassion.
To my Paula - you are who I think of daily when I am up against the grind of it all. When I am overwhelmed with being a full time working mom, I think of you. When I feel guilty for wanting to be a mom AND a career woman, I think about you. You did both and your daughters are better for it. Because the truth is, you have taught me that though I am called to mother my sweet girls, their needs will ultimately be met by our Father in heaven. He is sovereign and you teach me to trust that. And to be ok with needing time away and needing something outside of my "mom" role.
Sabrina (Fathead) - Big sister. I have always wanted to be like you. I still do. You have paved the way so beautifully. You are intelligent, gorgeous and literally the FUNNIEST person I know. You make me laugh more than anyone! I always have fun when I am with you and I always feel like "I am woman, hear me roar" when I am with you. You are determined, you are strong, you are lovely. Believe it because that shit's the truth!!! Te amo, prima.
To my sweet childhood friends - Darcie: you and your mom were my home away from home. So much of my elementary days were safe with you.
Courtney, Drew, Shannon, Katy(s), Mehgan, Nabila - thank you for loving me in the "awkward years" when it was all so easy but felt so hard. Thank you for the slumber parties, the craft nights, the binge eating, the gossip (yes, I'll admit to it) and for being my circle. Thank you for loving me even when I valued what some silly boy thought over you. You taught me the value of friendship. You helped keep me stable. And you may never know it, but you and your families showed me what I could strive for, regardless of what I came from.
To my Amy - you were the only friend I had that spoke the same heart language. You are a rare treasure. Thank you for calling me out when needed. And thank you for helping me to accept grace for myself. Thank you for praying with me and for me.
Thank you for loving my sisters. Thank you for being the one outside of it all but yet you chose to be in it all.
To Carmella - Thank you for giving me a stage to dance on, and an escape. You, Hannah and Jake made me believe I could do it all.
To Maria - Thank you for listening to my drama and never making me feel stupid. You always made me feel like what I was going through or what I had to say was important. You showed me how to listen to others and the importance on holding my tongue... I'm still working on that one. Thank you for being part of my cloud of witnesses. I long to see you again but know that we are still connected.
Molly - You are a gem. Your genuine heart and ability to be at ease even when I'm acting a fool is soothing. Your ability to laugh and cry with me all in the same minute makes me want to be more open. Not in the blabber-mouth way (I've got that), but in the vulnerable way. Thank you for the long talks, the music, and for helping me sort through my own mind.
Courtney Jo - You are one of those that I won't ever let get away from me. Your zeal for life, your desire for adventure and your laughter are contagious! You teach me to not live in a box.
Kathy - You are selfless. You are pure delight, my dear. You are joy. You are invaluable and I am honored to have you as the girls' godmother. If anything ever happened to me, YOU are the woman I would want my girls to model after. No pressure. ;)
Jessi - In such a short time, we connected. You are a breath of fresh air. You are STRONG. You show me how to endure and be strong despite my circumstances. Despite my emotions.
Cassie, Alicia, Stacy, Stephanie - Thank you for loving my children. Thank you for being my friend AND for your investment into Ester and Lucy's lives. Thank you for "babysitting" but more so - for loving them. For speaking to their hearts when they are anxious and for being a safe place for them to grow in.
Michelle and Carrie - I admire you as mothers, as friends, as woman. You are both so giving. Thank you for being my sounding board. Thank you for letting me vent and for laughing with me about all the mess. I am so grateful to get to work with such sweet friends.
I could go on and on.
This list is in no way extensive. But it is an example of how unique God has made us all. It is an example of people who took the time (whether by choice or because we are related) and invested in me. I am confident because of you. I am so hopeful for my girls and what they will contribute to this world because of you.
SO! Whether you are a "mother" or not, whether your child is on this earth or in heaven, whether you are waiting to become a mother or whether you have no desire to ever be one - YOU ARE SO CRUCIAL TO ME, TO MY GIRLS, TO SOCIETY. Believe that. It takes a village to raise a child but it also takes a village to thrive as an adult.
P.S. That rhyme was not intentional, but I like cheese so I'm going to leave it...
Be blessed.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
I'm "THAT MOM"
this one is gonna be all over the place. like me. nothing new, I guess. . .
Most of you who know me know that my older daughter, Ester, has food allergies. The scariest one being to nuts. (We do not yet know if our younger daughter, Lucy, has a nut allergy). If you are involved in any of the places my daughter attends, you are aware of this allergy because it has affected you as well - everywhere we go, we are constantly reminding people of this and even go so far as to ask establishments to change their policies to create a safer environment for Ester: Our church children's area is now nut-free. Ester's school is now nut-free and her daycare already was nut-free which was one of the reasons we chose it.
I know I sound like a broken record. I know I'm "THAT MOM." I'm THAT MOM on the children's council reminding parents to bring nut-free treats to stuff our Easter eggs with. I'm THAT MOM calling out a parent when they drop off their kid with peanut butter crackers to pass out at daycare. I'm THAT MOM who then follows-up with the daycare to make sure some sort of alert or reminder goes out to parents after an event like that to try and avoid it from happening again. I'm THAT Mom that some of you may have rolled your eyes at because you are so sick of me bringing up Ester's allergy at the mention of any special event that would bring in any outside food around her.
And I understand why that can be frustrating for you. I get how it is an inconvenience. I get that you unintentionally brought something and the last thing you were thinking of was my daughter and her food allergy. I get that it's disappointing that the easiest thing, or maybe even the ONLY thing your kid wants to eat for lunch is a pb&j and now you can't pack it for your little one because of mine. I get it.
But i want you to try and get this:
I am also that mom who has rushed her child to the hospital because of contact with a peanut butter cracker. I am that mom who reassured her daughter that it was going to be okay while we raced to the E.R., half saying it to myself because I wasn't sure. I am that mom who has watched my daughter's face swell up so big that you literally could not see her eyes just from her touching pistachio shells that someone spit on the ground at the softball field. I am that mom that listened to her little one to see if the wheezing had stopped and wondered if this time we would have to use the epipen. I'm that mom that carries an epipen everywhere we go.
But more than all of it - I am that mom that wants what all moms want: My daughter to be safe.
I have pleaded with God to keep my baby safe. To make her alert to her surroundings, to give her favor and protection. I have prayed that God would help her teachers to take her allergy seriously and not shrug it off. I have asked that God would help Ester to not feel rejected when others do not understand, when they write her off as an annoyance.
And I've seen it. I've watched people become annoyed with the situation and as result, treat my child differently. I've listened to her little confused voice ask me why kids and even teachers have said certain things to her. And I've clenched my fists at that. I've worried and I've sat in anger. I've practiced conversations in my head that I would have if someone says this or if someone says that or if someone does x-y-z. . .
And time and time again, I do this. And time after time we have situations where Ester's safety is compromised due to a damn peanut or pistachio or whatever. And each time I cry and shake my fist and grit my teeth and worry. And each time . . . - God is good.
Today it happened again. My sweet girl was around peanut butter and had a reaction. Thankfully, this time, it wasn't anything that caused us to go to the hospital. It wasn't physical contact but airborne and so her reaction was not near as severe (Thank you, LORD). And while sitting in my anger and worry and fear, I prayed. I prayed that God would protect my child and help me to trust Him with her. He did, after all, give her to me in the first place. She is His. But still, in my prayer, I held on to it like it was something I could control better if I worried about it a little more.
And then this - God revealed it to me. The wrestle that I insist on - the worry that I will not let go of - It's pride. It's distrust. It's me holding onto tenuous self-reliance rather than resting in grace. It's worry-filled pride. Pride is a form of unbelief. My worry exposes this in my heart.
I'm gonna get really real here. I don't like this. Just because God revealed it to me and I am writing it here in my little blog doesn't mean that all of a sudden, I have had this beautiful epiphany and now I am worry-free! It doesn't mean I am going to stop being THAT MOM. It doesn't mean I won't still pray for God's provision and protection over my daughter(s) or that I will in any way stop being her biggest advocate. It simply means that I am trying to rest in a God who loves. A God who loves my daughter more than I ever could because He created her. It means saying that truth to myself, in spite of my unbelief. It means staring my unbelief in the face and choosing to remind myself of God's promises even if they feel too far off. I admit freely my anxieties - especially those concerning my daughters. And although it goes against everything I feel in the moment - I am trying to cherish the promise of God's grace (both current and future) - that He loves me and will care for me. I am trying to take Him at His word when He says:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7
So the purpose for this blog is twofold:
1) To advocate for Ester by trying to explain the seriousness of food allergies and the like.
2) To expose my pride and unbelief in hopes of encouraging you to also choose to rest in God's promises, regardless of what you feel.
Most of you who know me know that my older daughter, Ester, has food allergies. The scariest one being to nuts. (We do not yet know if our younger daughter, Lucy, has a nut allergy). If you are involved in any of the places my daughter attends, you are aware of this allergy because it has affected you as well - everywhere we go, we are constantly reminding people of this and even go so far as to ask establishments to change their policies to create a safer environment for Ester: Our church children's area is now nut-free. Ester's school is now nut-free and her daycare already was nut-free which was one of the reasons we chose it.
I know I sound like a broken record. I know I'm "THAT MOM." I'm THAT MOM on the children's council reminding parents to bring nut-free treats to stuff our Easter eggs with. I'm THAT MOM calling out a parent when they drop off their kid with peanut butter crackers to pass out at daycare. I'm THAT MOM who then follows-up with the daycare to make sure some sort of alert or reminder goes out to parents after an event like that to try and avoid it from happening again. I'm THAT Mom that some of you may have rolled your eyes at because you are so sick of me bringing up Ester's allergy at the mention of any special event that would bring in any outside food around her.
And I understand why that can be frustrating for you. I get how it is an inconvenience. I get that you unintentionally brought something and the last thing you were thinking of was my daughter and her food allergy. I get that it's disappointing that the easiest thing, or maybe even the ONLY thing your kid wants to eat for lunch is a pb&j and now you can't pack it for your little one because of mine. I get it.
But i want you to try and get this:
I am also that mom who has rushed her child to the hospital because of contact with a peanut butter cracker. I am that mom who reassured her daughter that it was going to be okay while we raced to the E.R., half saying it to myself because I wasn't sure. I am that mom who has watched my daughter's face swell up so big that you literally could not see her eyes just from her touching pistachio shells that someone spit on the ground at the softball field. I am that mom that listened to her little one to see if the wheezing had stopped and wondered if this time we would have to use the epipen. I'm that mom that carries an epipen everywhere we go.
But more than all of it - I am that mom that wants what all moms want: My daughter to be safe.
I have pleaded with God to keep my baby safe. To make her alert to her surroundings, to give her favor and protection. I have prayed that God would help her teachers to take her allergy seriously and not shrug it off. I have asked that God would help Ester to not feel rejected when others do not understand, when they write her off as an annoyance.
And I've seen it. I've watched people become annoyed with the situation and as result, treat my child differently. I've listened to her little confused voice ask me why kids and even teachers have said certain things to her. And I've clenched my fists at that. I've worried and I've sat in anger. I've practiced conversations in my head that I would have if someone says this or if someone says that or if someone does x-y-z. . .
And time and time again, I do this. And time after time we have situations where Ester's safety is compromised due to a damn peanut or pistachio or whatever. And each time I cry and shake my fist and grit my teeth and worry. And each time . . . - God is good.
Today it happened again. My sweet girl was around peanut butter and had a reaction. Thankfully, this time, it wasn't anything that caused us to go to the hospital. It wasn't physical contact but airborne and so her reaction was not near as severe (Thank you, LORD). And while sitting in my anger and worry and fear, I prayed. I prayed that God would protect my child and help me to trust Him with her. He did, after all, give her to me in the first place. She is His. But still, in my prayer, I held on to it like it was something I could control better if I worried about it a little more.
And then this - God revealed it to me. The wrestle that I insist on - the worry that I will not let go of - It's pride. It's distrust. It's me holding onto tenuous self-reliance rather than resting in grace. It's worry-filled pride. Pride is a form of unbelief. My worry exposes this in my heart.
I'm gonna get really real here. I don't like this. Just because God revealed it to me and I am writing it here in my little blog doesn't mean that all of a sudden, I have had this beautiful epiphany and now I am worry-free! It doesn't mean I am going to stop being THAT MOM. It doesn't mean I won't still pray for God's provision and protection over my daughter(s) or that I will in any way stop being her biggest advocate. It simply means that I am trying to rest in a God who loves. A God who loves my daughter more than I ever could because He created her. It means saying that truth to myself, in spite of my unbelief. It means staring my unbelief in the face and choosing to remind myself of God's promises even if they feel too far off. I admit freely my anxieties - especially those concerning my daughters. And although it goes against everything I feel in the moment - I am trying to cherish the promise of God's grace (both current and future) - that He loves me and will care for me. I am trying to take Him at His word when He says:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7
So the purpose for this blog is twofold:
1) To advocate for Ester by trying to explain the seriousness of food allergies and the like.
2) To expose my pride and unbelief in hopes of encouraging you to also choose to rest in God's promises, regardless of what you feel.
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