Most of you who know me know that my older daughter, Ester, has food allergies. The scariest one being to nuts. (We do not yet know if our younger daughter, Lucy, has a nut allergy). If you are involved in any of the places my daughter attends, you are aware of this allergy because it has affected you as well - everywhere we go, we are constantly reminding people of this and even go so far as to ask establishments to change their policies to create a safer environment for Ester: Our church children's area is now nut-free. Ester's school is now nut-free and her daycare already was nut-free which was one of the reasons we chose it.
I know I sound like a broken record. I know I'm "THAT MOM." I'm THAT MOM on the children's council reminding parents to bring nut-free treats to stuff our Easter eggs with. I'm THAT MOM calling out a parent when they drop off their kid with peanut butter crackers to pass out at daycare. I'm THAT MOM who then follows-up with the daycare to make sure some sort of alert or reminder goes out to parents after an event like that to try and avoid it from happening again. I'm THAT Mom that some of you may have rolled your eyes at because you are so sick of me bringing up Ester's allergy at the mention of any special event that would bring in any outside food around her.
And I understand why that can be frustrating for you. I get how it is an inconvenience. I get that you unintentionally brought something and the last thing you were thinking of was my daughter and her food allergy. I get that it's disappointing that the easiest thing, or maybe even the ONLY thing your kid wants to eat for lunch is a pb&j and now you can't pack it for your little one because of mine. I get it.
But i want you to try and get this:
I am also that mom who has rushed her child to the hospital because of contact with a peanut butter cracker. I am that mom who reassured her daughter that it was going to be okay while we raced to the E.R., half saying it to myself because I wasn't sure. I am that mom who has watched my daughter's face swell up so big that you literally could not see her eyes just from her touching pistachio shells that someone spit on the ground at the softball field. I am that mom that listened to her little one to see if the wheezing had stopped and wondered if this time we would have to use the epipen. I'm that mom that carries an epipen everywhere we go.
But more than all of it - I am that mom that wants what all moms want: My daughter to be safe.
I have pleaded with God to keep my baby safe. To make her alert to her surroundings, to give her favor and protection. I have prayed that God would help her teachers to take her allergy seriously and not shrug it off. I have asked that God would help Ester to not feel rejected when others do not understand, when they write her off as an annoyance.
And I've seen it. I've watched people become annoyed with the situation and as result, treat my child differently. I've listened to her little confused voice ask me why kids and even teachers have said certain things to her. And I've clenched my fists at that. I've worried and I've sat in anger. I've practiced conversations in my head that I would have if someone says this or if someone says that or if someone does x-y-z. . .
And time and time again, I do this. And time after time we have situations where Ester's safety is compromised due to a damn peanut or pistachio or whatever. And each time I cry and shake my fist and grit my teeth and worry. And each time . . . - God is good.
Today it happened again. My sweet girl was around peanut butter and had a reaction. Thankfully, this time, it wasn't anything that caused us to go to the hospital. It wasn't physical contact but airborne and so her reaction was not near as severe (Thank you, LORD). And while sitting in my anger and worry and fear, I prayed. I prayed that God would protect my child and help me to trust Him with her. He did, after all, give her to me in the first place. She is His. But still, in my prayer, I held on to it like it was something I could control better if I worried about it a little more.
And then this - God revealed it to me. The wrestle that I insist on - the worry that I will not let go of - It's pride. It's distrust. It's me holding onto tenuous self-reliance rather than resting in grace. It's worry-filled pride. Pride is a form of unbelief. My worry exposes this in my heart.
I'm gonna get really real here. I don't like this. Just because God revealed it to me and I am writing it here in my little blog doesn't mean that all of a sudden, I have had this beautiful epiphany and now I am worry-free! It doesn't mean I am going to stop being THAT MOM. It doesn't mean I won't still pray for God's provision and protection over my daughter(s) or that I will in any way stop being her biggest advocate. It simply means that I am trying to rest in a God who loves. A God who loves my daughter more than I ever could because He created her. It means saying that truth to myself, in spite of my unbelief. It means staring my unbelief in the face and choosing to remind myself of God's promises even if they feel too far off. I admit freely my anxieties - especially those concerning my daughters. And although it goes against everything I feel in the moment - I am trying to cherish the promise of God's grace (both current and future) - that He loves me and will care for me. I am trying to take Him at His word when He says:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7
So the purpose for this blog is twofold:
1) To advocate for Ester by trying to explain the seriousness of food allergies and the like.
2) To expose my pride and unbelief in hopes of encouraging you to also choose to rest in God's promises, regardless of what you feel.
No comments:
Post a Comment