What's Going On?

The song has been playing over and over in my head as my heart laments. I know my words will be inadequate but I WILL NOT BE SILENT. I cannot.

I went to bed with it and I woke up with it. This morning I scrolled through facebook for a minute while my curling iron warmed up and I noticed something: all of my black friends' posts were crying out over the brutality and injustice while all (but maybe 2) of my non-black friends' posts were of cute children and happy memories. Just yesterday I posted pictures on my husband's page of us at OKC Riversports and I posted a funny quote from my daughter on mine. I'm sorry for that. Not because I feel I shouldn't share happy things on social media - I am sorry for being more consumed in my own little world instead of joining alongside those hurting in my community.

A lot played out in my mind this morning:

My mother is Latina with beautiful tan skin, although you would never know by looking at me because my skin is "so white." Even whiter than my daddy's from what I've heard and from pictures I've seen. I remember hating my skin when I was little. I got made fun of at school with names like "mayonnaise" and "albino" (kids aren't very creative) and I wished I looked like my mom. I remember telling my mom about this when I was in the 1st grade and she said, "I prayed you would be white so you would be treated well and not like I have been treated." I didn't get it then. I had no idea what she was really saying to me. She was telling me that the world I live in would not only be kinder to me because I am so white, it would be safer.

Derek and I lived in Honduras for a year at an orphanage. While in the gates of the orphanage, I felt no fear; but anytime we went into town, everyone was staring at the white Americans. The staff at the orphanage talked to us before we were allowed to leave for the first time. They prepped us to not make eye contact with people, to get what you needed and get out of there. To not be loud, to speak in Spanish as much as we could and quietly to one another in English if we had to. To blend as much as possible. To not wear anything showy or of value, to not linger. Going to the bank was the scariest. Their guards stood out front with military rifles, pacing back and forth. I remember praying that I would be invisible to people, that I would go unnoticed. I thought out every sentence before I spoke it and contemplated every move I made.
Anytime Derek went into town without me, I waited impatiently for him to return, praying for protection over him.

I will not pretend to be able to relate, but this small experience (though pales in comparison) is what I thought of when reading your posts this morning.

I went to work and listened around me. Not one person brought it up. Everyone was talking about politics and Clinton. I know that the demographic I work with (myself included) cannot understand your pain but do we also not see? I see you. I am seeing you and I am sorry it has taken me so long to say that.

I worried I would say the wrong thing or because I cannot relate I would offend someone by speaking up at all but I am realizing that silence is the worst possible choice.

I read your posts - I hear you and I see your pain. I cannot relate to it and I will not pretend that I can but I will stand next to you in agreement. And I will not be silent. And not only behind the comfort of my computer.


Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
Oh, what's going on
What's going on
Ya, what's going on
Ah, what's going on

Father, father, everybody thinks we're wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply because our hair is long
Oh, you know we've got to find a way
To bring some understanding here today

-What's Going On by Marvin Gaye