I am a sucker for mommy-blogs. I enjoy reading what other parents have learned and love little nuggets of knowledge from their experiences. I recently read a blog post titled something like "Dear Mommy, I Needed You" where a mother wrote about a time where she tucked her elementary aged daughter into bed and instead of staying to snuggle a little longer, she went to check emails and came back to a sleeping child and a note that read something like "Dear mommy, I waited 20 mins and you weren't there. I needed you." She then went on to encourage us to pay attention to the moments our children need us and to not get distracted by things like work, our phones, etc. I appreciate the message and agree that we live in a time where we are easily distracted. For this reason I try really hard to keep my phone away during my evenings at home, however, the post really got me thinking about something else...
MOM GUILT.
Being a mother is one of the greatest blessings I have ever experienced/am experiencing. But it's also exhausting. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Ester, I was sacrificing myself for the sake of my child - With a grateful heart, but also with the fear that I would fail miserably... and I have. I do and I will. Not a day goes by that I don't question if I am doing it right, loving them well or being what they need me to be... what they NEED. You want to know what my children need? A mom who loves them and keeps them safe. Of course. One who is their advocate, yes! All of these things... but my sweet daughters also need a mom who admits I cannot be all they need. I cannot meet the deepest desires of their hearts. I cannot and will not be their God.
I've tried to be and failed and even resented them when I can't (a sad but true statement).
So as I read the article, I appreciated the reminder to cherish the little things and to pay attention of this fleeting time where my littles are little, but I also sat and gave myself grace. Grace for the times that my girls will need me and I will fail. And grace to show them that WHEN I do, to admit it and point them to THE ONE who never will.
If you are reading this, I also want to remind you of that grace.
I have a lot of people that I am beyond blessed to love and pour myself into: my husband, my girls, my sisters and mother, my friends, and so on... but sometimes I really suck at it. And that's okay. It's okay because the weight of their longings is not on my shoulders. So I refuse to carry what I cannot bear and what Christ has already completed on our behalf.
I choose instead, to live in the freedom that we have been given, COVERED BY GRACE FROM THE ONE WE NEED.
Dear Ester and Lucy,
I love you so much. I love you so much that my words could never fully tell you how big my heart burns for you. But I am not perfect. And as much as I want to love you well, I also admit to you that I will mess this up. I will do my best but in my weakness and humanness, I won't always be everything you need me to be. I was not made to be everything you need. Only Jesus can be that for you and I will do my best to bring you to Him. I hope that you will know and believe that you are loved, yes by me but also by the Most High King. And that before you were my daughter, you were His.
I pray that I am able to watch you grow up and Lord willing, be around when/if you have children. And in that time, I promise to remind you of these truths when you are filled with mom-guilt. That guilt does not bare fruit and so I want to remind you of the grace you have been given and ask you to choose to live in the freedom you have been offered. It is for freedom we have been set free.
All My Love,
Mommy
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