When I look back at the last decade, I remember my life in seasons. There have been "dry" seasons where I felt like I was just going through the motions like a robot and there have been seasons of growth and joy (like when we lived in Honduras). Of all the different phases, the one that sticks out to me the most was our family's season of trauma and crises. If you know me well, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't, you may remember when I was updating my facebook status, asking for prayer for my niece, Lily. Lily lived 40(ish) hours. She was one of 3 deaths that happened in our family in less than 9 months. That season also included many sleepless nights for reasons I am not at liberty to discuss... That season was stormy. A dark cluster of pain and anger and confusion and desperation. It lasted from about May of 2011 to Feb of 2013.
Around Feb of 2013, life went on autopilot for me. I was tired of feeling so much all the time. God let me rest and honestly, I feel like he just sat and let me be. That was so refreshing. That was a really quiet time for me, like the few moments when you are waking up from a bad dream and you are deciphering between what is true and what you just saw. It was foggy numbness and He (God) slowly woke me up, breathing life and clarity into my bones.
From then until now, that is what has been happening for me. God is so kind and gentle and has given me time to draw me back into actively and intentionally "living". I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. I don't know if I fully understand it myself, but I know that He is kind. And I also know that He has been up to something. God is ALWAYS up to something.
Thankfully. Because I am pretty much comfortable being up to nothing.
Right now, there is a stirring inside me. A swirling of energy happening and unlike what I described in the first paragraph of this post, I do not feel confused about it. I do not feel lost within it. I feel . . . grateful. Anxiously grateful.
There is a lot of transition that is taking place, but instead of feeling overwhelmed by that, I am choosing to feel "sifted." Like God is shaking out the access and unnecessary in order to purify a part of the whole. This is an essential step in the creative process, in the growing process.
My oldest sweetie, Ester, doesn't like change. She is comfortable with routine and does not deviate well. As result, when we know change is coming, we try really hard to prepare her for it. We have several conversations about what is to come so that she is not caught off guard. This helps her warm to it, and and ease into it. But there are also times when we cannot prepare her for change. When we don't know or when some unsuspected thing occurs. At first, she wigs out. She cries and fights it. But with time and us talking her through it, or helping her process it, she eventually trusts us and let's go.
I bring this up because I am a lot like Ester. In fact, I am finding that many of my struggles, I expose to my sweet girl and then I see them begin to take root in her (but that is another topic and one where I hold on to the freedom that grace brings for both of us). - Ah! Tangent! Back to change: I tend to fight it most of the time but then realize that there is very little control I have of it all so slowly (and with white knuckled fists), I release it- little by little.
So, that's where I'm at. In the middle of a lot of changes: I am going back to work full time for the first time since I had Ester. Ester and Lucy will both be in full time child care as result. Derek is in the middle of some transitions at work that will require more of his time. Derek's parents are moving to Oklahoma City after pastoring in Ardmore for 20 years. I have a nephew on the way. My sister is moving. My other sister is probably moving within the year and switching career paths . . . ya-da-ya-da-ya-da. Lots of change. Lots of learning and unlearning. Lots of sifting and moving parts. And as result - lots of letting go.
But in it all, I hold on to this: God is good. He is in control and I am not.
No comments:
Post a Comment