We Ain't Never Scared! . . . Ardmore High School Class of 2004

I don't know if this will resonate with anyone else, but when I look back at high school, I tend to have a lot of regrets. There were a lot of things I did that I am embarrassed and/or ashamed about. There were a lot of things that hurt my feelings and confused me and there are a countless number of things that I believe will always leave me a little bit puzzled.

High school (for me) was such an awkward time. On one hand - I felt so grown up, and yet on the other - I was still completely dependent. I thought I knew what I wanted in life. I thought that was the point (what "I" wanted). I thought I knew who I was and perhaps, I did know - just not fully. I depended too much on how I thought others defined me. They may have not had labels for me at all, but I was sure they did and I was just as sure that they were not good. I was insecure. I was lonely a lot (even when surrounded by my friends) and I had a lot of judgment. If I'm totally honest, I had a lot of judgment for others but the person I had the most for was myself. That is probably still true.

The period between childhood and adulthood is muddy, the boundaries are unclear and everyone is trying them, pushing them, and "searching" them. I did a lot of searching then. I do a lot of searching now - the only difference is, I have found healthier places to look.

Most of my regrets from high school do not have to do so much with the things I did, but rather the things I did not do (this quote applies - for all of my fellow "Empire Records" lovers). I didn't defend my friends like I should have. I didn't give much of an effort in making sure my boyfriend didn't get in the way of my friendships. I didn't keep my big mouth shut. I didn't reach out to those around me who looked as lonely as I felt. The list goes on and on. . .

Not all of high school was horrible. In fact, most of it wasn't. I don't want to be so melodramatic and make it seem like I was this ultra sad case. I wasn't at all. I had great friends, many of whom I am still close with (by God's grace they still keep me around after all the crazy I did and said). I guess I just felt the need to share because I wonder if this will hit home with anyone else. More importantly, I wanted to share because if my ignorance or self-centeredness or insecurity or whatever it was at whatever moment, resulted in me hurting you, I am so sorry. I can't help but wonder if some people were left scarred by something I (or maybe someone else) did or said. I can't help but wonder if someone else thought that everyone else was labeling them as well. If that is you - I am so sorry. If you were labeled whether it be in your own mind or out-loud by someone else, on behalf of them (or me) can I please just say - I am so sorry.

But can I please also say this - Don't give away your power. Don't wear that label any longer. I sat around for a long time during and after high school trying to define myself based on lies in my own mind. I wore names that were not true and was even called some of these to my face: "Liar", "Ugly", "Bitch", and "Hypocrite" are a few. All of them (for me) came down to one mega label - "Unlovable". In my case, I was the one labeling myself most of the time. But slowly, by opening myself up to voices louder than those and louder than mine, I began to believe what I heard from those who truly love me - I AM LOVABLE. YOU ARE LOVABLE!

This past weekend was my 10 year high school reunion. It's still pretty crazy to me that it's been an entire decade since we graduated. I don't feel that far removed from those days and yet, a lot of life has happened in between now and then. It was a BLAST! It was so freeing to see everyone and not wear the labels that I did back then. Maybe some people still have those for me, but I refuse to wear them. If they are there, I choose to stay oblivious to them.

I had so much fun catching up with my fellow classmates. I had so much fun opening myself up and letting go of any insecurities. I hope others felt this freedom as well. Honestly, I had so much fun I'd be up for having reunions on the regular! I realized that I missed out on the opportunity to share life with a lot of my classmates during high school. I was so wrapped up in my small little self that I totally missed getting to know my peers more intentionally. But I tried that this weekend - I let my hair down and cut loose! It was a blessing to me to see people who never used to hang out, kick it and enjoy one another. I watched one of our star athletes who went on to play college ball sit down and have a beer with a guy who I don't know if he's ever picked up a football. You know what they talked about? Bowling. BOWLING! And they talked about that for at least 20 minutes.

If you graduated with us and you chose to not come because of some past hurt, I am so sorry that you felt like you didn't have the freedom to let that go. I offer that to you and encourage you to live in freedom. I hope that you will come to the next one. And if there is any way that I can make any of it easier, PLEASE reach out to me. This is something that has been on my heart since the reunion.

Our Senior song was "I Ain't Never Scared". The truth is, in high school, scared was all that I was. The truth is, now, I am not.

This one's for you - Ardmore High School Class of 2004. I ain't scared and I got nothin' but love for ya! ;)

photo courtesy of Craig Murray - Inspired Visions (of Ardmore)