I cannot.

These days, I'm stretched pretty thin. Like all moms, the entire time I am awake, I am giving. I am trying to meet someone's needs and often times in neglect of my own.

From the day I found out I was pregnant with each of my girls, my mind was consumed with fulfilling their needs: "Take your prenatals, drink enough water, eat well, rest, exercise. . ."

Then they came out: "Nurse the baby. Change that poopy diaper. Nurse the baby. Eat something so you can nurse. Try to sleep when the baby sleeps. Nurse the baby. . ."

Now with a Princess-3-year-old, a 9-month-old who becomes more aware each moment, and a new full-time job - I often times feel like my brain literally thinks in needs: "Give Essy her vitamins before you get dressed for work and don't forget her suncreen, oh! And she wanted to wear the pink headband. The one with the flowers, not the sparkly one and did I wash her pink dress she asked to wear yesterday? Gah! I need to read to Lucy! I keep forgetting to read to Lucy! She's not going to be able to speak EVER if I don't read to her! Where are my black heels for work? Heels! Ester's shoes! I forgot to clean the mud off of Ester's tennis shoes . . . I'm going to be late to work again and Lucy is still crying because she misses me and she is so big now and will be 1 before I know it and I'm missing all of it looking for these stupid heels!"

That may seem dramatic, but trust me - I go there. Often. Daily.

The truth is this- I can't do it all. Like I said, I am stretched thin - and that's not going to change. Not while I've got 2 girls who need me, a husband who needs me, a job that needs me, extended family that needs me, friendships that need me... and even a me that needs me to do it all. And I can't.

And on top of all of that, my girls are both sick. I don't mean that they have a cold or are fighting a bug or any of that. Both of my girls' guts are sick. Their nervous systems or immune systems or a combination of both are sick. They have some stuff going on inside that I am not (yet) smart enough to fully understand. I spend a lot of my "spare" time reading on ways to try and treat their gut. They both have eczema all over their little bodies, food allergies, allergic reactions to different environmental factors. . . etc. I have gotten some answers to some of it and we have appointments with specialists to try and figure out more - but that's not the point (of this particular blog... bc trust me, already I could write a book on our little family's experience with all of this). . . the point in this moment is it's A LOT for me to try and handle.
And I've come to this conclusion: I can't. I can't handle it all.
BUT HEAR ME NOW - I ALSO CHOOSE TO REST IN THIS CONCLUSION: I CANNOT LORD, BUT YOU CAN.

When I am lying on my bed crying because I cannot for the life of me figure out why Ester has broken out AGAIN in a rash all over her back - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When Lucy is crying as I drop her off at daycare - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When my husband looks to me for some attention and I have nothing left in me to give - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When Lucy's arm is bleeding because she won't stop scratching in her sleep and I have changed my diet down to fruit, veggies, and meat trying to keep her breast milk as pure as possible and I do not know what else to eliminate - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When Ester wakes in the middle of the night and is in a half dream/half awake state of panic for 2 hours just after Lucy has woken for the 3rd time because I have yet to help her learn how to sleep through the night - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When I am at work and I have to ask how to do something that someone has already showed me how to do 3 times that week - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When I am brain dead but trying to study for the Series 7 - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When I cannot sleep at night because I am running through the list of things that wait for me when I wake up - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When I get short with my family because I am so stressed and so tired and so human - I cannot Lord, but You can.

When I am sleeping. When I am breathing. When I am - I cannot Lord, but You can.


I know everyone has stress. I know mine is probably miniscule. I'm not looking for pity or praise or anything else pointing to me.
I'm looking for JESUS in it all. Jesus in my stress. Jesus in myself. Because that's all I have to cling to and that's all I have to offer. That's the BEST thing I have to offer. I am not enough for my sweet girls. Although every part of me and every bit of my mind and heart LONGS to be enough to satisfy their sweet souls - I am not. I cannot. I know I am needed and I am thankful that God has entrusted those precious babies to me. Please know that. But even in my thankfulness, I recognize that I cannot be it all and so I refuse to live in the lie that I can because all that brings me is a broken heart, discontentment, and bitterness. It makes me hold on to a guilt that I have been freed from -

I want to live in that freedom. In the freedom that this confession brings: I cannot Lord, but You can. The confession that not only shows my desperation but also (and more importantly) God's grace: I cannot Lord, but You can. And You did. You did, Lord - by Jesus.

I am SO thankful, and I am SO desperate and I am SO empty. But I hold on to the HOPE that My God IS enough for me. And Ester. And Lucy. And Derek. And You.


I cannot Lord, but You can.