It's almost midnight and I should be asleep. The rest of my house is. I can hear all 3 of my loves breathing deeply and I am so glad that they are resting peacefully. But I can't tonight. To be totally transparent: I am anxious. My heart is racing as fast as my mind and they are both moving at a speed that makes me feel dizzy.
So instead of lying in bed like a tortured spirit, I am getting up, opening up, and releasing . . . and like a girl of Gen Y, I am choosing to do so on some form of social media.
I do this a lot lately: panic. I started to struggle with anxiety my senior year of high school. I remember the first "panic attack" that I had. I was driving and I pulled over because I literally thought I was going to die. I thought I was having a heart attack. I got dizzy, sweaty, I was shaking, and my heart and mind felt out of control. I clammed up and almost felt out of my body. I tried to pray but I couldn't get control of my mind. I was so scared and my heart was burning and pounding, like a knife of pain was shooting through my chest, from the front to the back. I threw up and then waited. I don't remember how long I waited but eventually I realized I wasn't dying and felt "with it" enough to drive home.
That happened on and off the rest of my Spring semester of my senior year. It would happen out of the blue and I eventually chalked it up to the stress of life and didn't give it much thought. . . Until about a year later. By the Spring semester of my freshman year of college I truly was a mess. It got to where I had several panic attacks a day. It got so bad at one point, I was scared to leave my room. I hated how out of my mind I felt when it would happen. And it usually happened right in the middle of class or right in the middle of work. I hated it. Hated it.
That was a really hard time for me. My lifestyle wasn't very healthy, as I was barely sleeping, eating greasy/crappy food, and staying up late. I had gained a lot of weight, my face had broken out, and I was really stressed in general. I was "unhappy" and struggled with a lot of self-hatred. One day, I woke up and decided to get help.
I went to the clinic on campus to talk to a doctor. I was so honest about what I was going through. I figured the doctor I was talking to (who barely looked a day over 20) probably thought I was crazy. But I didn't care because I felt crazy and didn't want to feel that way anymore. He quietly listened to me ramble on and on and cry and sob about it all. He nodded his head and said he was going to get something and left the room. I sat there alone, crying. . . and started to have a panic attack.
A couple minutes later, a (female) nurse came in the room and handed me a piece of paper with information about "panic disorder" on it. She sat quietly while I tried to read it as my mind raced and tried to make sense of the words on the paper. She then handed me a prescription for Xanax to walk over to the pharmacy.
I was dumbfounded.
I went home.
I prayed.
I panicked.
I decided to do some research. . . I Googled it.
I decided not to take Xanax. I didn't want something that might help. I wanted a REMEDY.
Let me take a moment and switch gears - If you take Xanax or any other similar drug, I am in NO WAY making a statement about your decision or situation. I am not a doctor. I am not you. I do not know what is best for you and what works for you and how your body is made up. I am not your Creator (or my own) so I am not pretending to have a clue about the drug, or anything relating to it other than the fact that after my tiny bit of reading things found on Google, I just felt that it wasn't for me.
So, instead, I made an appointment with a counselor. I started exercising. (I wish I could say I started eating healthy and sleeping better but those life changes came later)
It got better. I started to panic less and eventually I got to where when I had an "attack", my mind didn't freak out. Instead of getting wrapped up in the chaos and confusion of my brain, I would speak truths to myself - mostly scripture. I did this until my mind would quiet. Often times, my body was still reacting (shaking, shortness of breath and chest pain) but I refused to let my mind react. It almost became a personal challenge. I would start to physically feel the panic setting in and I would immediately start speaking truth to my mind, to my heart and inner self.
I learned to live with it. I'm still learning.
I know that when I am stressed, they are more likely. I know that when I am eating poorly, not sleeping, and very busy, they are more likely.
Currently, I am in a season of a lot of stress. This is another "hard time" for me. My mind is so cluttered with things to remember, responsibilities that I have to meet. . . Like I said, I am exhausted and desperate.
I am a
So, as expected, I am struggling with panic attacks. . . but I am hopeful that "This too shall pass."
To be totally honest, I've been "in a rut". I've been guilty of a lot of "stinkin' thinkin'" lately and my attitude has been horrible. I feel most guilty about how this affects those around me. (My family, my co-workers, my friends).
So, it's time to redirect. It's time to start speaking truths again. Not only to my own confused mind, but to those around me. It's time to choose to have a good attitude. It's time to put to practice the things I know in my heart to bring peace, to actively seek the rest that is offered to me (even in the midst of the chaos I create or the chaos the world offers to me).
And it's time to go to rest. Metaphorically and literally . . . because after all of this release, I am no longer anxious, but only tired. (Thank God!)
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. . . do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me — practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:4-9
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